Just out the blue, hubby asked if I have nursed my emotion and sadness over the last few weeks.. It seem like he actually knows the real reason for my sudden return to KK. I guess it's time that I come clean with him and with myself... but I just could not get myself to share this with him personally so I told him I will blog... 

I was feeling really upset and I cried... I'm clueless why this has happened to my own innocent child. :( Since young, I'm mostly alone although I have a elder brother. In my whole childhood I only recalled growing up alone due to my family situation as my parents cannot afford to have both me and my brother tagging along staying in the rented house. So I'm separated from my brother literally since after we started school. I hated such moments and I don't really have many friends when I was young because of one childish incident. I still feel upset whenever I recalled this incident. Blamed it on my ignorance, a good friend of mine decides to unfriend me and to the extent that she instigated the whole class to ostracize me just because I used a broom to sweep off those dust on her table not knowing that may bring bad luck to the person sitting at that table. I was alone for the rest of the school term and I cried each morning after my dad left me at the school. :( my heart is weeping even at this point in time when I blogged about this. :( indirectly this incident has mould me into a straightforward person and also a person who get misunderstood most of the time because I don't like the guessing game and I speaks what is on my mind.

Ever since I entered into parenthood myself, I vowed that I will never let my child feel whatever I'm feeling as a child back then. I have to admit that I don't have an easy child to begin with. Not that Olinda is intelluctually problematic but due to her strong character, she doesn't fall into the category that people can readily accept her for being who she is. I think also partially because hubby is always away from us, I was pressurized to keep her and myself occupied so that we don't feel that we are always alone. I tried to load her with simple book activities from popular, and some useful activities from mummies friends I get accquinted with over the time. Ever since the arrival of Olivia, the equation changed. Inevitably, Olinda is being restricted of outdoor activities as I still can't managed bringing both out myself. I realized Olinda isn't smiling as often as she used to be. To the extent I can see that a trip to the playground can be so precious to her. I tried to get my parent to come over so that Olinda can have a little more outdoor trips but who knows, she doesn't want to leave me and Olivia behind. I feel so upset and couldn't help feeling I'm more of single parent. This got me in a really bad shape and I decided to bring the girls to KK to be reunited with hubby for a longer period of time. What it didn't occurs to me is that both Olinda and myself have to ease ourselves back to the routines trying to keep up with the pace. The family is reunited but I feel so guilty for making her missed school although it's just a 1.5 hour playgroup as she will tell me she misses school and her friends. 

We went back Singapore and things just don't seem to be the same anymore. We seems to have been forgotten and there are so many things to catch up with. Honestly I don't know where to begin with. I don't know if Olinda feel the same though. The last festive incident got me really upset... :( looking at other children's playing together, I told Olinda, sorry that she has to play alone as Mei Mei is still young, cannot play with her yet. Olinda told me, it's ok, she will have Olivia Mei Mei to accompany her the next mid-autumn festival. I can't help feeling why is this happening to my child. I'm just thankful I insisted hubby to fly back to spend the festive with the three of us hoping his presence can take away some of the painful experience and filled up some of the loss...

I promised to be more mindful of how adults' decision can harm the child. 

Happy story continues... 3:54 AM